Save the date…
The Good Grief Group
Guided by Melody West,
Grief & End of Life Coach
Sat, 9/5, 10:00 AM MST
Exulansis
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From Melody West
Exulansis is “the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.”
I love that there’s a word for this!
We’ve all had this happen. We want to talk about something. We try to explain what we’re thinking or feeling, but the other person just doesn’t seem to understand.
So we try again. We use different words. We give more examples. We keep talking, hoping something will finally click.
But it doesn’t.
And after a while, we give up.
Sometimes it’s no big deal. We can shake it off and move on.
It’s the other times I want to talk about—the times when we really need to be understood and can’t find anyone who gets it—or gets us.
Maybe you’ve started telling someone what you were going through and could tell by the look on their face that they didn’t understand. So you stopped. You said, “Never mind.”
But it hurt.
I see this happen with people dealing with grief, estrangement, depression, loneliness, caregiving, or chronic health problems. Some things are just hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been through them.
When we feel misunderstood again and again, we may stop trying to talk about it. We get quieter. We pull away. We may even start wondering if we are the problem.
“Maybe I’m not explaining it right.”
Maybe.
Or maybe the other person cares but doesn’t know what to say. Maybe they haven’t experienced anything like it. Maybe they are uncomfortable with pain, sadness, or complicated emotions.
Or maybe they just aren’t the right person to talk to about this.
It’s important to find people who do get you. That might be a trusted friend or family member, someone in a support group who has been through something similar, or a counselor, coach, spiritual leader, or another person who knows how to listen.
Sometimes it helps to tell people what you need: “I’m not looking for advice. I just need you to listen.”
Don’t give up.
You may not need everyone to understand. You may just need one safe person who is willing to listen.
Your story matters. Your voice matters. Don’t stop trying.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” — David Augsburger
Reflection:
▪ Is there something you’ve stopped talking about because it felt too hard to explain?
▪ Who might be a safe person to talk to?
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Is there something you’ve stopped talking about because it felt too hard to explain? |
| ▪ |
Who might be a safe person to talk to? |
Simple Self Care Tip:
▪ The next time you need to talk, tell the person what you need: “I just need you to listen.”
| ▪ |
The next time you need to talk, tell the person what you need: “I just need you to listen.” |
Giving someone a little direction can make it easier for both of you.
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